Cup of Coffee
by Ania
Summary: Buffy's thoughts after Spike dumps her


Author: Ania  
  
Feedback: Please R&R  
  
Pairing: B&S  
  
Warning: Deals with depression  
  
Thanks to Jess for betaing  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns all. I'm just a poor college student  
  
Archive: Jess' site, ffnet, lists want? Ask.  
  
This is my first fic, so let me know what you think. There might be a squeal, but I'm not sure yet.  
  
Every Friday we meet at a little café just outside of town. It's one of our little rituals. No one knows about us yet, and apparently it's going to be that way for a while. I'm just not ready for the whole 'You know you shouldn't date a vampire' lecture. It's hard though, to hide my feelings. Every time I see him I just want to run my fingers through his hair and have him wrap his strong arms around me. He makes me feel as if everything will be ok and that all is well in the world.  
  
Sitting here at our regular table, I feel cold. Something isn't right. He's normally here on time. I know I shouldn't worry, but it's not very often that we can be together as we really want to be.  
  
"Penny for your thoughts, luv," Spike said as he placed a kiss on the top of my head. It's these little things that I miss most when we are so close yet so far.  
  
"Hey, I didn't hear you come up.I was just thinking about us." I reply smiling at him.  
  
"Aren't the only one. I've been doing some thinking too." Spike pauses a moment and looks around. "I think that maybe it'll be best for us if we took some time apart." Spike finished looking everywhere but at me.  
  
They told me you don't love me  
  
Over a cup of coffee  
  
And I just have to look away  
  
"What? Why?" I asked, feeling a knot slowly form in the pit of my stomach.  
  
"Look at us. For the past three months we have been running around behind everyone's back and I'm tired of it. We deserve better," Spike said, finally looking me in the eyes.  
  
I hated what I saw there. I saw that he meant it, that he didn't want to hurt me."Spike, listen, I can change. I'll tell everyone."  
  
"We both know you aren't ready for that, you may never be. I accept that and that's why I think it's better if we part now instead of." Spike said, pausing as if searching for the right thing to say.  
  
A million miles between us  
  
Planets crash into dust  
  
I just let it fade away  
  
"See your problem is that you think too much. Spike, we are perfect for each other." I tried to explain, slightly raising my voice.  
  
"Luv. Look, whether or not you like it, this thing," Spike emphasized by waving his arm in between us, "it's over." Spike got up and left me there with a cold cup of coffee and the eyes of everyone in that room just stared at me.  
  
I sat there floored. I didn't know what to say, didn't know what to do.  
  
I'm walking empty streets  
  
Hoping we might meet  
  
I see your car parked on the road  
  
The light on at your window  
  
I know for sure that you're home  
  
And I just have to pass on by  
  
Spike's gone. He left me. He's still in town, helping out, but it's over. I can't believe it. I never saw it coming. I thought he loved me, he was always going around saying it...didn't he know I loved him too? Every night I go out patrolling, hoping to see him and.I don't know why. I want him, but I never see him in any of the cemeteries. Sure, I see his old beat up De Soto. God he loves that car, it smelled horrible, but the more I think about it, the more I miss the smell. That musty, moldy smell. I think I'm going to cry. Sometimes, I walk by his crypt, just to see if maybe I'll catch a glimpse of him. I know he is inside, but I can't make my feet stop walking. They just keep moving. I have to keep going, if I stop, I know I will throw myself at him and beg him to take me back, but I can't do that. Buffy would never do that.  
  
So no, of course, we can't be friends  
  
Not while I'm still this obsessed  
  
When I see him at the magic shop, I stay as far away as possible. I don't even make any small talk; for fear that I will break down. I can't, do that, I have to be strong. I always knew we would end one day, but I guess I expected it would be me who broke it off.  
  
I guess I always knew the score  
  
This is how our story ends  
  
I wonder what he thinks, it's been over a month and I am barely there mentally. I wonder if Spike noticed I started smoking, he probably has, what with having vampire senses and all. I did it to remind myself of him. It makes me feel better, calms me down. Whenever I miss him, I light up, probably why I am a chain smoker. I hope that Spike might come and tell me what I am doing is wrong, but I know he won't.  
  
I smoke your brand of cigarettes  
  
And pray that you might give me a call  
  
I lie around on bed all day just staring at the walls  
  
Hanging around bars at night wishing I had never been born  
  
I give myself to anyone who wants to take me home  
  
I don't even go out during the day anymore, I just sit in my room, reminiscing. Trying so hard to hold on to what little I have left. I know I won't see Spike, so why bother? I know he has taken up my lack of patrolling, who else could have? I spend my nights in different bars, trying to see how drunk I can get every night. Then in the morning, when I wake up in someone else's bed, I cry. I can't help it; I don't like what I have become, but what am I supposed to do? I can't stop, cause if I stop, I will break. Each night I leave the bar with a different guy; at first I was picky, only going home with guys who smelled like smoke or something that reminded me of him. Now, I don't care, I'll go home with anyone. It doesn't matter.  
  
So no, of course, we can't be friends  
  
Not while I still feel like this  
  
I guess I always knew the score  
  
This is where our story ends  
  
I hate going home; everywhere I see little reminders of him. To think I used to take comfort in that. Some of the clothes he left behind, a bag of blood, his lighter. I smoked all the cigarettes Spike left except for one; I'm saving that one for a special day. Not exactly sure why or when yet, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I have all his stuff packed in a bag, just in case he decides to come home.  
  
You left behind some clothes  
  
My pearly summer sores  
  
And I pick them off the floor  
  
Seems like my friends are finally getting the stones to come up to me. They say that my behavior the past couple of months has been unacceptable; they keep asking me what is wrong. I look at them and wonder how they cannot know? The love of my life won't even talk to me, yet he stands at times only arms length away from me. Spike, how can you do this to me? I love you. I couldn't be hurting this much if I didn't.  
  
My friends all say they're worried  
  
I'm looking far too skinny  
  
I stop returning all their calls  
  
They keep nagging me and harassing me, but I just don't have the energy. I am rarely sober anymore, and I forget for days to eat. I just can't seem to focus on anything but Spike and what used to be. I stopped going by the magic shop, but of course he knows that. I avoid all the places I know the gang will be. I stopped coming home, poor Dawn. I know he will take care of her. She needs someone a lot more stable than I could ever be. I'm staying with some guy I met the other night, his name is John or Jim or Pete. I don't exactly remember. If I remember, it will make it all real. I'm not ready for that. I know I am wilting away, but I welcome it. I know someday everything will be okay, but I don't know if I can wait that long. I feel like dying everyday, and maybe one day I'll get the stones to do what Spike never could.  
  
And no, of course, we can't be friends  
  
Not while I'm still so obsessed  
  
I want to ask where I went wrong  
  
But don't say anything at all  
  
It took a cup of coffee  
  
To prove that you don't love me 


End file.
